How I feel is wrong. It's ****ing wrong and I have no right to feel it. None.

There are people out there and on here who have no one, absolutely no one with them. They need someone and no one's there. They have every right to be depressed, to feel as though there's nothing to live for anymore. I feel for those people because I've been there, a hundred times over, I've been there and I understand that kind of loneliness. The kind where you look in your "contacts" list in your phone and see numbers that are strictly business or straight up abusive. That hurt.

Yet, here I am, I have a few good friends, my mom is very much in my life, I have a little brother who looks up to me and I have a fiance who would do anything for me. And I still feel alone. My fiance makes me feel better when he's with me, in a sense. Without it even being his fault, I feel so god damn guilty around him and unworthy that I don't feel like I can be near him. I feel like I need to leave him for his own good. So that he can sleep without waking up to get me to stop screaming, so that he can go to work without worrying about coming home to a bloody corpse, so that he isn't brought down by my depression and so that he doesn't have to convince me that what I'm seeing/hearing are hallucinations that can't hurt me. I have this amazing guy and yet I still want to die. I still want to off myself on March first, like I planned. I still cut myself because I can't handle my own mind. I'm not alone and I still want everything to be over; even though I have a reason to keep living. And for that, I'm so over-run with guilt and shame. Especially when I talk to someone who has no one in their corner and that's all they want. I have that and I'm still like this. I hate myself so much for it.