Concerning the self-medicating - definitely been there. Now trying to get a grip on it. Not easy. I drink less and quit any kinds of drugs, but I keep smoking which I strongly want to quit too. Right now anyways it feels impossible with all the pressure I am under.

I know that my moods get more complicated when drinking, so I try to stick to my rules - like having a drink on weekends is fine, but not during the week. I get by so so. Sometimes the noise in my head is just unbearable and I don't make it through, moreover when I cannot sleep. Anyway, I think I am slowly climbing the ladder here. I tend to go from hypomanic to mixed when drinking and from depressed to more depressed. For a few hours though it seems to relieve the pressure and that's why I have ended up there time and time again in the first place.