You have been through so much. I am glad that you are starting to realize how your mom has effected you; understanding helps us recover. I also attempted during a low point in my life, it was near lethal, I should have been dead and when I survived I found myself thinking there must be a reason I survived. In my case, I sometimes doubt the existence of God but found myself wondering if my survival was some sort of proof of his existence so I can relate to some of the feelings you express here about that. I am sorry about your son, what a painful thing to endure so be gentle to yourself as you recover. Recovery takes longer when you have been negatively effected by family members (especially parents) or if you feel any guilt in regards to what happened to your son. However, your determination and self reflection will help you with this!