If you want to open up to your docs, I'd suggest you find some of your relevant posts from here and print them. Take them to your appointments and let the docs read them for themselves. I think you've done a really good job of opening up to us on here, and it might be more stuff than you've been able to remember while talking in your appointments - or maybe it's said in a different way while you have been "in the moment." It provides perspectives they may not otherwise see when you're in their office.

It's not a big deal to cry in front of your therapist or psychiatrist. I've done it. I seldom cry, but there have been times I've been overcome by emotion while discussing things that were difficult for me to say.

Nobody is going to think you're faking emotions to get meds. The determination of whether or not to medicate you is 100% up to the doctor's discretion. Besides, psych meds aren't fun....they're merely better than the alternative most times.

Again, if you're not getting the help you need then it could be worthwhile to seek a second opinion from another doctor. Different docs have different approaches to treatment and medication, and there's a chance someone else could shed more light on your situation or be a better fit for you personally. It's good that they're being careful about not jumping to a diagnosis, but there is also a felt need for something different than you're getting now.

Your explanation of the self-medication is very familiar, it coincides with a lot of my personal experience. It's not necessarily out of a desire to just get blasted, but out of a desire to feel _somehow_ different than you do normally. Besides meds, that's the only way I know how to relieve the pain and emotional suffering I go through almost all of the time. You're right that it's not easy to control drinking when you're doing it for an emotional release.

I never learned how to express emotions rationally either. At least when I was around your age. Maybe at 41 I've just been through so much psych treatment that I know how to talk about things more openly than I used to. Your docs won't judge you for however you act in their sessions - they've already formed opinions by meeting with you thus far.

One thing I find helpful when meeting with my doc is to take a notebook to my sessions. When I'm sitting in the waiting room, I take a few minutes to review in my head how I've been feeling since the last time we met. I jot down a few notes about the thoughts that come to mind; nothing extensive, but something to refer to and anchor the conversations we have when sitting face to face. If I don't write things down, I have no direction for the conversation and often forget things until after we meet - then I have to wait another month to talk about them, if at all. I'm not good at journaling, I never have been. But taking a couple quiet minutes before a meeting pays off in a huge way.