It isn't absolutely required to have the piece played, but I'll likely get crap in my defense if I don't. What would I do for my recital otherwise? Just put together a jazz sextet I guess, but I'd have to write some new stuff last second. The other piece I'm writing now calls for several instruments that have been hard for me to get in the past.

I almost hate to talk to anybody about playing the dissertation piece because then it puts too much pressure on me to figure out the rest of the ensemble. Last time I tried to put a recital together, I couldn't find the people I needed. I'm afraid to ask some of the same people again.

I'm not sure how the department would help me. I've had a conductor recruit for me in the past, but he already graduated. The conductor I would want (because he's a great conductor) wouldn't help me at all. I know other people have gotten other people to recruit for them. I don't quite know how, but that's partly how others have done it.

And I may be intelligent, but I'm not all that autonomous...I don't know if that makes any difference.

I'm just unsure how to initiate conversations I guess. I feel I do okay if the other person initiates and takes the lead. Hopefully I'll become more comfortable with them and feel like I won't get negative reactions or anything. Unfortunately, there was a person that I was immediately comfortable around, but I guess became obsessed about them (for lack of a better word) and now I'm too uncomfortable to be in the same room.

If I just stay quiet and keep to myself, I can't upset anyone, say or do anything inappropriate or offensive, I can't over share or overstep boundaries. And no one is going to call me creepy.