my mom believes things i say...
but the rest of everyone that i encounter says there is nothing wrong with me, i seem fine, normal,(better than normal) and that i just need to apply myself (they use different words like i need to get a life and blabla)

im not allowed to have outbursts, or tell people off... so when it happens i black out and an angry one steps up and scares the **** out of who ever is around me... last time it happened i came back to and was in the middle of cursing someone out and i couldnt stop it, or control myself, and finally was able to pull myself in enough to run out the door and into the woods so i could try to figure out what was going on and what happened... i dunno how long i was blacked out for but i know i made my friend cry and he's not someone to cry easy...

imagine me being out alone in the world and that happens... its so scary...
i would end up in jail... its no wonder i have agoraphobia... you know..?

my therapist believes me i think... and my case manager probably would believe me if i felt comfortable enough to talk to her about things... but i told my therapist to explain things to her for me so that i wouldnt have to...

my pdoc is ok, i just dont know what she thinks... dont know what any of them think really, i dont even know what my recent dx is... im going to ask next time i get the chance and find out though...

social security has been so hard on me, i've been trying to get disability since 2011...

i have agoraphobia and have a lot of difficulty with leaving the house, riding in cars (i have flashbacks and panic when riding in cars so i cant drive at all)

i have never had a job due to these issues... they have been life long and are tormenting me more and more each day.... especially since im 27 years old now and im supposed to be an adult... but i feel like a little lazy brat because of the way people look at me... which im not lazy at all im just terrified... terrified of the world and blahblahblah....
yet im able to hold some sort of composure when i do go out, i call it wearing masks... but im not the masks and they are not me... i guess its just a skill i had to adopt in order to survive...

so i dont have any work experience... but i do want to work, im just not capable of it at this point in my recovery... it hurts my pride so much to not feel like a man... on top of the SA that i experienced which makes me feel less like a man, and gay... which im not gay!

my therapist says that i dissociate ALOT... or live in a dissociative state... which i dont understand dissociation so well apparently because it just confuses me...

so i dont know if i have D.I.D. or what i have...
i talked to my therapist about it once briefly and she said something like "it may or may not be, but one thing is certain, you have developmental trauma disorder"
or something like that... she's never really told me a dx but im gonna ask her too next time i see her... i would think she's seen me enough times to have an idea of whats going on...

i just have really difficult time staying here, present, focused... blahblah...
i panic easy, which causes flashbacks, which cause me to feel weird and stuff...

i hate this stuff so much... i just wanna be normal but i've never been normal... and i've known that i wasnt "normal" for ever... i just didnt realize how different i was i guess...

i really like music... and psychology... if i could work doing something like that it would be fun... but i cant even get my G.E.D. because of my focus problems... i know everyone around me says i just need to try, or try harder, so i dont expect it to make sense here either... but i try hard, very hard, as hard as i can... im not lazy... im not a fraud... im just hurting... and scared....