hell, i dont even believe myself sometimes :x

well, by reliving i mean a mix of both what you say... because my flashbacks are triggered easily...
the few things i remember, come back very vividly when i start to recall... (when im able to remember because i cant always remember them..)

so im afraid of retelling as well... growing up i was told not to tell people things... so its really difficult to talk about things... i get flustered, confused... my sentences start to not make sense and im not able to get words out... i shut down...
you know..?

im just afraid of feeling those feelings again... seeing those images, being there again having it happen again...
i dont want to remember it, i want to forget it and have a better life... i just want a good life and be happy... i dont want to be disgusting and nasty... but i am... all the things that happened to me were just disgusting... appalling...

i just want to forget... maybe thats why my memory is so messed up... i used to have phrases repeat in my head, things like "just dont think about it" and "forget it" over and over and over... i guess my mind took the command and now im programmed to not remember...

i also dont want the mental health people to think im disgusting... or to think less of me....
i also dont want to get anyone in trouble... the perpetrators... i dunno why...

edit:
i also forgot to add that the last time i tried to mention briefly a trauma i started to feel really ... dissociated... i guess...
my therapist became concerned im sure, as her reaction was that of some what like not knowing what to do... she told me after wards that i became blank, and asked how i feel... i told her something like "i dont know... very far away... its quiet..."