I appreciate all the responses of all kinds, validation or advice. What I wrote about opening up was a response to a question to why I feel I lose "value" or if I feel paranoid about it, it wasn't intended to any response written in this thread. I just described how I feel when I write in general, which maybe wrong, but I cannot help but think this way. Despite that fact I do write my feelings, because as I said, I feel I'm suffocated otherwise.

I think a major cause of all of this stems from the fact that I'm isolated. This distorts my mind and my thinking, and makes me angry and frustrated. And although many people confess that meditation helps them, I'm not sure how it will change my reality. I have troubling thoughts, but I'm not looking to accept my reality and come to terms with being alone the rest of my life. I crave human connections. In the past I was doing many things alone like reading at home and in public spaces, biking all day long, going out and walk in the parks, going to movies, going to meetup meetings ... etc, telling myself maybe if I do these things and make myself "available", something might change along the road by meeting some people. I was wrong. Nothing changed. Actually, I felt worse every time I did these things because all I could see is that people are living, but I'm not. I feel kind of hopeless as a result, but still not giving up completely.

However, I try using meditation when I get anxiety attacks to calm down. The problem with me even if I try meditation is that I cannot focus my mind on a focal point like breathing. Every time I do it I lose track and my mind wanders quickly. I have poor concentration capability in general. My mind will be in a hundred places at the same time. Maybe I need more practice. I think it helps a little, but not completely.

Thanks for your responses and suggestions. All are appreciated.