Excellent question, Fuzzy. Some people would say that a lot of the support we do here crosses the line. You know, like when we tell each other things like "it's okay that you messed up - you did the best that you could do, don't feel bad about it." Sometimes maybe it's not the best they could do, and if we tell them not to feel bad they are more likely to do it again instead of trying harder to cope in a better way next time.

I came from a codependent family. My mother seemed to like keeping her kids as dependent and incompetent as possible, because taking care of people makes her feel worthwhile. Any time what we do for someone helps them or encourages them to be dependent or helplesss or less than they really could be, maybe we ought to take a better look at that and see if we are really helping them in the long run. My mother really thought she was helping, even though she did a lot of damage trying to help that way.

Therapists maintain good boundaries. They expect us to do things for ourselves and to reach and grow towards our potential and be our best selves. They aren't supposed to make us feel good about staying where we are, or do it for us, as much as we want them to sometimes. They don't tell us what we want to hear. They do provide a lot of nurturing though, by validating feelings and showing us what we could do for ourselves, and helping us to get our needs met, including developmental needs that weren't met when we were kids.

Maybe the difference is mostly in the results. If a person stays stuck and dependent and keeps doing the same things and wanting to be validated for being stuck and dependent and not changing, and if what we say or do encourages that, then it might be kind-of co-dependent. If what we say or do fills a need and encourages the person to make changes and do things for himself or herself, then I think it's nurturing. Sometimes what is nurturing for one person might encourage dependence in another person, because not everyone has the same needs or the same abilities or is at the same place right now. So, it's pretty tricky to know what is really the best way to help any given person.