I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. You do need to get help, even if that lands you in hospital. Are you safe? If not, call a crisis line now. Can you get an emergency T and/or pdoc appointment? Are you able to stay with someone so you are not alone? Your life matters. Please do all you can to protect yourself. What meds are you on? Is there anything you can take right now to calm things down? Any coping skills to use? Hang in there and keep posting. You are not alone.