Hello, I'm male and 19. First of all sorry for my eventual bad english, it's not my first language.. it's hard for me to explain things in my native language so you can imagine in english.
I've been diagnosed with depression and dysmorphia at 16: at that time didn't want to go to school anymore, and since I was 14 I've had social anxiety and my low self esteem was worsening every day. Obviously my family wasn't helpful as it should've been (I'm definetely not the only one who thinks that). I've been told by a psychiatrist to take antidepressants, at first I didn't actually take them because I've always hated them, later I did but for 2-3 months but there were no effects.
I've even seen a psychologist for ~6 months, but I've never told him about this, because I've always felt deeply ashamed about this problem. Later I came back to school even though I've lost a year, started doing sport which seemed to help but didn't solve this.
Along with low self esteem, I've been bullied since I was ~13 to ~16, it was verbally and never became physical but maybe I would've prefered that so I could have been able to react.
Anyway, I've developed this form of self harm by fantasizing being sexually dominated by someone stronger than me. In porn terms, we can call it sissy porn, forced feminization porn to make things easier.
As easy as it seems for me to (just) write about it, it's horrible to deal with it, as I feel ashamed of what I feel and that completely annihilated my ego.
Through these years I've fallen in love different times with girls, never with guys. As you can imagine I've felt horrible about myself, so even if in some cases I did talk with them I've never told them my feelings about them.
I've read Freud thought that people may use sexual humiliating behaviors to go past sexual inhibitions or lower their ego, I think mine is definitely the second case..
I feel bad even when, for example, I'm having an argument, or I avoid to have one because I think I would feel pleasure acting stupid, inviting someone to mistreat me.
I've FELT BETTER for one month, a month ago, after 2-3 months of no-masturbation: I did that because I've read this so called 'no-fap' thing on the internet but it ende when I ejaculated during sleep. Believe it or not, that caused my depression to come back: I wasn't happy but I thought I could have been. Anyway, now that I did some research on masochism, I've read something about 'conditioning' the masturbation through cognitive behavior therapy, could it be the same thing I did?
Help me..