To be honest one of the issues is finding the issue itself.I feel like everything i do is for the purpose of impressing others or making myself look cool(Ex. I'm staying in my room playing the guitar and some random girl,generally good looking, enters the house.Next thing i know i start singing and playing louder and putting more passion into it.).When hanging out with my friends or in a group of people i want to always be the best at everything we talk about.I watch myself a lot in the mirror,sometimes i think i look good,other times not so much.It hurts me when people talk bad or judge me.It's very hard for me to stay motivated or do something consistently,i feel like I lose interest very fast in everything i start doing(Ex.Some sport,reading a book etc.), even now i dont feel like finishing this description.I should be frequenting my forth 'Scuola superiore' year but i don't feel like going because it's boring and it's better to stay in my room watching some random youtube videos even though my parents don't allow it,so sometimes i hide into the closet or just go to my friend's house pretending im going to school.Most of the time i don't even know what day it is,not to talk about the date.I have a bad relationship with my family,i can never compliment them or say something nice to them even though i want to,i think this is due to trying to look tough for some reason i don't understand,maybe i don't like to look weak and fragile or maybe cause i hate myslef that much that i dont feel like i have the right to be loved (I always answear to them in a arrogant way, like "Leave me alone or dont touch me when my mom tries to hug me").Sometimes i cry at night thinking about the words i said to someone or how i hurt them,i hate the feelings i get after hurting someone even if that might have been the right choice(Ex.Defending my brother from some guy and having to hurt him).I spend a lot of time playing videogames(League of legends mostly),like an addictiont! This affects my relationships aswell.I am more prone to anger and on the edge after or during a game.I am also addicted to masturbation and normal porn doesn't arouse me anymore.Also i can't stay focused(Ex. I start reading some literature for school and after like 20 min i find myslef thinking about completely random things and completely having forgot about the book i have in my face).I want to clarify that im in my twenties and still didn't finish school or started to work im basically a pain in the back of my parents,which don't mind me being a pain because they love me.

Oh man!!My life is such a mess!
I just want help to live the life i always wanted to live,to help my parents,to travel,to love and to be loved,to be myself,the true me,the real me and this problems are literally having me in chains.HELP!!