I said I wouldn't post again, but felt I needed to. I finally told the AVP about my worry that they just wanted me to work hard and that when the big project was complete the promotion would suddenly disappear. She said that was never her intention nor of the VP. They really want this to work out, but want everyone to be certain. Including me.

They've involved me more and have been trying to ensure that I'm aware of things going on, even before anyone else knows. Big meetings and big announcements, I'm being included in ahead of time. I was made employee of the month for January. My former boss, who I assumed was responsible, said that it was all the AVP. She wanted me to have it. One or two days where things were getting to me, the AVP came to me to ask if I was OK. Told me that I work too hard and that the project was a marathon not a sprint. I had a half day off scheduled but because of some things going on with the project, cancelled it at the last minute and worked instead. AVP was disappointed that I didn't take the time off. Because I'm not a manager, I can't take management training but the VP is trying to see what she can do. VP even agreed to be my mentor.

Objectively, if I look at everything going on it seems like they're doing a lot to ensure that I'm happy and feel valued. If you were to ask what I wanted from my job currently, I have been given almost everything I could ever ask for.

But I focus so much on not being given a real promotion and not enough on the actual work. I want so much to feel like I make any difference and I feel like not being given the promotion yet is like being the lone adult at the kids table. I don't know how to let it all go and do the job they want me to do. They've given me an opportunity to prove myself to them and convince myself that the promotion is the right move for both sides. And I'm just wasting it all focusing on the wrong thing.

I no longer think that what's going on is some big scheme by my management. I'll take the AVP at her word and action. But I still can't completely just accept things and move forward. I was stuck in my career before and I feel more stuck now. Not from lack of opportunity or involvement, but from lack of belief in myself. And that sucks, because I'm pretty lucky all things considered.