Hi starrysky. As you noticed, probably I'm not the most qualified person to give you an advice. But I read your posts, if knowing that helps a little, and I know how it feels when you cannot find someone to talk to, especially when your emotions are out of control.

I, also, would like to say this general observation about human nature, and it's purely intellectual, because emotionally, probably I'm, let's say, not intelligent: we humans have the longest infancy period (about 3 years). During this period, our brains develop (most of the brain grows outside the womb after birth). But also during this period we get extensive and unconditional love and care from our mothers (and to a less extent from our fathers) because we are fragile. So, my theory is that our brain is in a way designed and hard-wired to receive love and care. We all seek these things, and they are so powerful. Love is probably the only single remedy for all the suffering in the world. Nothing love cannot heal, including physical pain. So, I don't think there is something wrong with you with regard to your relationship with your friend, because it's natural what you are asking for (i.e., attention). On the other hand, we aren't designed to be altruistic toward others. Maybe here is where the pain and suffering comes from. What we need is not what we get. We try reciprocity to give what we expect to get in return (the so-called Golden rule), but most of the time it doesn't work for us. The return doesn't measure up to our expectations, or more accurately to our deep needs. So, the only way out of this dilemma, for most people, is to accept some pain and accept what they partially get. I guess when they are somewhat happy, they accept this fact, but when they are not, they tend to activate their primitive and fragile self (I'm most of the time in the latter category, that's why I prefer to be alone, although loneliness is painful).

That being said, I think you have good plans and activities to do (from your different posts). Personally, I cannot even think of these things. I know at the intellectual level I won't change if I don't force myself to do the things I don't like, but still, I don't have enough will power to force myself, especially all I get is disappointments every time I try, and nothing is changing in my environment that would stimulate me.

I'm not sure if that was helpful. If it wasn't helpful, apologies in advance, and you can ignore it.