Hi everyone,

I am a new and I am looking to get right down to the issue... My partner and I are both conflict-avoidants, so we really never had intimate communication in our "romantic" relationship. I am a people-pleaser and likely exhibiting co-dependent tendencies for my partner. I enable his desire to avoid social situations and emotional intimacy, even though I am the person who joined his social circles years ago (I live in his hometown, which is very far from mine).

Since our poor communication has become a problem with me over our seven (yes, I know) years together, and I have been doing my best to improve our emotional communication over the past year. He has voiced his interest in the same goal but he either does not act on it or voices that he "doesn't know how" and therefore cannot talk about feelings. I will mention that we tried couples therapy for over six months, but we were basically let go because of the "doesn't know how" excuse that the therapist could not continue tolerating. She told us our relationship sounded and looked painful.

I recently tried to bring up that "I don't know who I am, I don't know who you are..." because we do not talk emotionally. He immediately got fed up and said he doesn't understand people who want to "find themselves." For lack of better terminology, he thinks this line of existential questioning is bull-*****. He mentioned a handful of "happy" people he knows who he thinks cannot possibly consider such "deep" questions. Plus we are all just specks in the universe who won't matter when we die, so what does it matter? (His beliefs, not mine.)

All of your feedback is welcome, but my major inquiry is this: How do I get him to view my concerns objectively? And if I can't, how do I communicate our disconnect? I know I am codependent and always trying to protect him, so it's almost impossible for me to stand my ground when I initiate conversations without decided direction.

Thank you so much in advance for your help.