I've joined a few law enforcement spouse support forums. I seem to be either abnormal or the silent sufferer.

Our counselor has basically said "This is how it will be, you need to decide if you can live this way". She has said multiple times not all marriages work. But she also points out how hard his life is and how my depression jeopardizes his safety. This is the second counselor to say that.

I feel like he chose this job. And it is just that- a job. If he gets hurt on duty, who will he expect to take care of him? Help him? Me.

It's just very hard because he is blaming my unhappiness on my depression. Saying if I just medicate myself it will be ok. And I'm just not thinking that's the case. His work is his life. It fulfills him. For me, my work is just a job and I find fulfillment at home. Only my partner has already gotten his at work and I just get the zombie, emotionless side of him.

We've been seeing a counselor since November 2015. It has helped some but in the end, I realize I have to decide if I can handle being alone and not getting companionship.

He's threatened to commit me a few times when I've talked about what separation might look like. Said I am being dramatic. Told me he'd make me miserable if I ever tried to leave him. That he'd make it mandated I attend counseling first. That he'd contest it. Ironically he is very insecure but also distant and places blame elsewhere.

It's exhausting which is likely why my depression has spiked. I am really trying my hardest but I find myself starting to get bitter. And I have always been such a loving person. It scares me to be losing that side of myself. Protecting myself from the constant pain of rejection. It's making me an ugly person.

If I won the lotto, would I leave? Definitely. But unfortunately I'm grounded in reality and as unhappy as I am to admit it, I couldn't afford to leave. This is my second marriage and I am still paying off my first divorce-- so I question how I could even consider that option.