Thank you so much everyone. The most disappointing part of all of this is I left my first marriage because despite him being my best friend, I just thought we weren't going in the same direction. We mutually agreed to seek different avenues. But at least I was happy. At least I knew someone cared about me. And I consider my second marriage and think "How is this an even worse decision?"

Sure I've got more financial stability. I thought marrying a cop would mean I'd have a moral and by-the-book guy. He doesn't drink. He's very responsible. He followed the law. That seemed so respectable. And, as a peace officer, great qualities. But as a husband? Those are not the only things that matter.

It's tough. I've been in a relationship with violence before. This doesn't feel like that but because of my past I am always scouting back door exit strategies just in case. That fear never really leaves you. He knows it too and it offends him. He says "Id never hurt you". But he hurts me every day by not loving me.

Last night we had a huge storm come in. He was working and I was cowering in our storm shelter. I am so claustrophobic so it was really emotional for me to be down there and not know if my animals were okay. When he came home, all he worried about was the house. I'm shaking like a leaf and crying and all he said was take your anxiety medicine and get out of my way. So heartless. Or am I asking too much? Is it too much to ask for a minute of comfort? He said "let me get everything else done, then I'll come be with you". Which consisted of him turning on the tv. And getting on his phone to play a game.

Sigh. Sorry I'm not trying to vent. It just has been hard lately because my own depression has been so dark the loneliness has been amplified. And it feels like the chicken or the egg scenario. Is my depression making my marriage worse? Or is it the opposite?