Hi TaintedLove

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, right now
But as for anyone you feel you've let down........I'd say absolutely NOT!!!
I would say that you've done anyone you may be referring to real proud, and most importantly you've done yourself real proud for stopping for so long!!!
And nothing is going to take that length of time away, nothing!!!!

And now.........some self-compassion, hey??
You've had such difficult things to deal with, and there are no text-book/simple ways to "just cope" with experiences like those, they are hard..........so it is completely understandable that you got "lost in the pain"...........

But now...........well it is really good that you have such a supportive T, who I'm sure should still believe in you, and you've got an excellent record of how well you've done before SI free to show that you can do it!!!
So maybe try returning (more?) to some of the things that helped you in the past when you stopped the SI or/and try some of the things that have helped others on here.........but above all, as well, get some support from your T and even on here for the things you've been going through, hey??
You don't have to do this alone

Alison