Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I don't get why you are assuming that all this unhappiness is due to your husband being a cop. Most of the deficiencies you describe in him don't seem to automatically go with being a cop. I don't see where this is a typical "cop" marriage. Your husband doesn't sound like a good partner. If he were selling insurance, I don't think he would be much better. It's just not in him.
Someone close to me is married to a cop. There are specific strains that puts on a marriage. I don't hear you describing those job-specific strains. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think your husband is "in love" with you, and that is a lonely place for you to be in.
Blaming everything on his being a cop seems to me as a way for you to avoid really pondering what exactly is going on. The two of you going for couple's counselling seems to be jumping past the real problem. I'ld recommend you getting counselling as an individual. The real question is, "Why am I walking into marriages that turn out to not be partnerships that I really want to be in?"
Part of the answer is financial. Have you ever lived alone and successfully supported yourself? Are you jumping into marriages because you feel you have to have a husband to financially support you?
Do you have children? If not, then there is no reason in the world why you have to stay married to survive. Do you believe that you are incapable of making it on your own because you are depressed? You mention having a job and working as many hours as your husband. Okay, so maybe you couldn't make the mortgage payments on just your salary. Then you get yourself an apartment.
Maybe your husband feels he's basically a paycheck to you. Then, again, he doesn't seem to have much else to offer. You mentioned that, married to him, you have "more financial stability." Why were you in such financial instability before you married him?
When the two of you were just dating, what did you each see in the other that made the two of you say, 'I want to spend my life with this person." ??? It does not sound like either one of you is in love.
This not a case of: you are just not meant to be a cop's wife. This is way, way deeper and larger than that.
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I suppose I place some of the weight on his being a cop because it is his explanation for behaviors. It is why he is too tired to do anything when he gets home. He says the emotional toll makes it hard for him to open up. The responsibility to the job is the answer for missing anniversaries and holidays and dates. His job is his entire life. And so yes, i do consider that to be a substantial factor. And it has been a substantial factor in all of our counseling sessions. Because it is not considered "okay" in society for me to question him or to ask of him because of his job. I've been told my expectations are unrealistic because he is a cop. I've been told to be more lenient because he is a cop. I have been reminded it is my duty because he is a cop.
My husband and I are financially independent besides our mortgage which we split evenly. Yes having his income to buy property was an incentive. Yes it does help me be more financially stable although maybe that's the wrong word choice. I have more financial independence perhaps.
Yes I have lived alone. And yes I managed okay. When I dated my husband and we didn't live together, I did not see him on work days. I only saw him refreshed and recovered and mentally recovered from work. I had no way of knowing that half of the week he was an emotional zombie incapable of talking or being affectionate or engaging.
So yes I bring up his profession because that is his entire life. Obviously this goes beyond him. But I feel that much of what others go through in this profession- withdrawal, being closed off, anger issues, etc are evident here as well.
I don't particularly appreciate being accused of picking the wrong partners-- like I am asking for this but I guess that maybe is accurate. I guess we can't all be grace with foresight and clairvoyance to know who is right. I believe that's why they call it a leap of faith. However if that's the case then maybe it's me who's messed up. Although you'll note I am seeing my own counselor.
But honestly I didn't open up to be blamed for this. Or called out. Or judged. Like all the counselors who tell me to be easy on him because he's a cop. Like himself telling me I don't know the toll. It's a job and he took it. It was his decision. He wanted to get married. And the minute we said "I do" I became his property.