i feel like krap. i have been sick all day, i just woke up from a 3 hr nap and i am really woozy/nauseated. i am a bit worried that it's my meds now because after this morning's round of being sick i don't know if i lost my pills along with my breakfast (sorry for being gross). It just adds to the bad feelings i already had.

about yesterday's session... it's gone. poof. gone. i barely remember anything about it.

wtf?

i know i told him i was afraid to go deeper because i felt like i wouldn't be able to trun back. i know i told him about a new friend that i have and how i have no clue what to do with the situation. i told him about former T not saying hi... and i know we ended in some kind of high anxiety discussion about me needing him to understand how bad i feel in here.

that sounds like a lot.. but read it again, it's just a few sentences and i don't remember the conversations, just the basic topic.. i remember next to nothing of what he said.

i don't understand. This happened once before and there have been times when i seem to forget chunks of a session. i was there, i know i was.. i didn't "check out" or anything, i know i had been thinking over the conversations last night.. but now they are like trying to remember a dream.

the conversation was kind of loaded, especially at the end. i think i lead him around in circles. It's not his fault, i think he's a very good T... it's just that i am really, really good at doing that.

i do remember me insisting that he tell me he understood how bad it was/is and i remember him saying something to effect of he didn't know what else he could do other than tell he does. He said something about my need to know that.. something.. %#@&#!. Something about the need getting louder.. i think.. maybe. Uggh..i hate this!

tomorrow i'll go in like an idiot... he'll ask me if i want to pick up where we were or if i want to talk about something else and i'll just stare at him and blink. Blink, blink, blink. Vacant. No body home in here.

i truly do not want to waste a session trying to re-do Tuesday's session.

i gott a go.. i'm getting nauseous again.