*** Venting ***

I remember that I haven never been inclined to have fun, to live as others. But I have never been as weak as I'm now. I guess the point in which I changed from the state of stable surviving to spiraling downward and self-destruction was when I decided to pursue my grad school in a foreign country. It was very difficult for me. I was already lonely and felt isolated. But above of that I struggled for the first 3 years to do something, anything for my dissertation. I didn't know what to do. People weren't willing to help. People weren't willing to even listen. I was desperate to find an ear to just listen to me.

At first, I found relief in reading the Bible and religious texts. However, I was exposed to the scientific explanation of things. I couldn't accept it at first, but with time I couldn't deny it. I felt so empty then. Now I had no consoling whatsoever. So, I suffered silently alone in my bed every night. My tears were my only relief if I could cry. I remember I was about to have a full breakdown in the shower. This was the first time I was about to fell on the ground because I couldn't bear my emotions and the thoughts in my head. It happened a couple more times since then. Luckily I cried in each time. It was like a way to release my inner pressure before I exploded.

Anyway, from there, from my grad school, my serious isolation has begun. My view to life has changed dramatically. My depression began to grow. I've become more sensitive to people's reactions. Conscious to what they do and say. Disappointment was all I've found. Ignoring is all I've received. My view of life has been reinforced again and again. Now I don't even want to go home, because I don't feel I belong there either. Depression has grown to uncontrollable size. But it's all my fault. I couldn't bounce back. I wasn't be able to. I don't have the resilience. Now all I feel is that I don't belong to this life. I never actually did. Probably, I shouldn't be here in the first place. People tend to listen and help those who have some positive outlook in life. Those who have the motivation. I don't have any of that. I don't deserve to live. But I didn't ask for life either.