i laid in bed for some time... i feel better, the shocks are gone... for now

my therapist told me something about "expansion" into ones environment and then moments of "Contraction" after the expansion...

so i guess this is what happens... i force myself to expand outward and then it takes me a long time to return to a base line, which base line is not good either...

because it always seem to happen after i have to do the things i have to do, putting myself into positions im not comfortable with and letting these masks do what i need to do... i get a lot of anxiety from it because i dont want to do these things, but i cant stop myself from them happening ... i wrote about some time before using masks, or personas... losing control and touch with what mask is the original, what im supposed to be... who im supposed to be... who im comfortable being...

the conflict is that im pushing myself too hard i think.... and its causing this chaos.. 1 side knows a way to handle it all, but the way the 1 side handles it is the opposite of what another side wants to do... but the other side is afraid and not able to handle the situations anyway so has no choice but to succumb to the prevalence of the more powerful side...
which happens to be drinking... but im left with a great deal of anxiety because i want to do everything right...
but im not able to do it the way i want to do it and i have little control over things... i have no choice but to try to hang on and survive the bumpy road...

i dunno if that makes any sense... its a lot of cognitive dissonance...
im glad that the shocks are gone... the panic feeling that arises with it is horrible...
but i know they will be back soon since im so overwhelmed... i wish it was easier...

i've been trying to get in touch with my case manager since the 3rd and its just causing more panic because i haven't seen my therapist in a while now... like... i supposed to see her every 2 weeks but its already been 2 weeks since the last time i seen her so i guess its been a month since i seen her...

i just wish that i could pick a mask and go with it permanently... instead of fluctuating... the drinker is so much more fun anyway...