Im here mostly to vent, listen to feedback and perhaps some validation.
I won't go into too much detail but my relationship is on its way out. After 5 years i think iv handled all that i can.
It started out as little problems, lack of commitment to his jobs. Quitting every single one after something happened, before finding another which left me to pick up the pieces. I saw it as a flaw that I could overlook and perhaps get better with maturity. Then came the anger, then the lying and he was getting a little rough during arguments. Holding me by the wrists, dragging me arms etc. There has been a few times he has hurt me.. but it was all forgotten about and never spoke about after.
I began to feel like I was in an abusive relationship. The more i read, the more it all sounded too familiar.
I joined forums, i asked for opinions and people said it sounded abusive. I confided in a friend, she told me that everything I was explaining sounded like her narcisstic ex, with a little more tact.

I worked myself up to confront him about his behaviour and tell him i was leaving. At first he was aggressive and threatening. Then he has turned a new leaf. Things have been looking up for him, he found a good job and is due to leave soon for over a month. He has been more pleasant around me, saying he loves me etc. But his odd views come out in other ways..

My plan is to pack up and leave with my kids when he leaves for work. I'm nervous as hell. Financially i won't be okay. Iv got numbers to call to help.. iv been saving money gradually since iv been a stay at home mother but my car crapped out and is going to cost over 2k to fix so that screwed me a little.

The problem is, I feel completely torn. I KNOW this behaviour is just to get me to stay. I know it won't ever change. If i stay, this is my life.. in misery.
But there is something inside me that makes me feel like im overreacting, like this is all normal and all couples go through bad phases.
I feel like im taking advantage if i call the shelter for help and get financial assistance. Maybe I'm not in an abusive relationship. Its a constant back and forth battle between knowing I need to run and staying, because that's what I promised him.

My head is spinning from the confusion. I just wish I could feel strong in my decision to leave. I just want to trust my intuition, but I see him and he makes me feel like everything is fine.

Any stories, personal experiences or just anything to help me feel like im making the right decision here? It would be greatly appreciated.