Dear LT,

WTF, I told you not to Google anything about my wife anymore, but you did. Even though you promised not to. OK, it was a mistake, and I forgive you. But now how the hell do I deal with you knowing she died? As soon as I saw you'd learned that, I knew you'd be a wreck. I'm actually amazed that the only correspondence we had in the past week was a brief condolence e-mail. But I guess you were probably trying to leave me alone...

Today's session was OK, I think, but I really wish you hadn't invaded my privacy like that. I didn't want to talk about all that, but felt like I had to, because you're my patient, and I have to talk about what's bothering you. But why does it have to be about my wife? Why can't you just let me grieve in peace? Of course I won't show this frustration to you--I need to keep up the super-caring, forgiving, accepting persona.

You know how I said recently that if you knew me in real life, you'd realize I was an asshole and wouldn't want to be around me? Well, if I was honest about how what you did affected me, you'd see that I was a total ****. Or maybe not, because most reasonable people would be upset by that invasion of privacy. Yeah, it was a public obituary, but you wouldn't have known my wife's name if you hadn't done that Googling last month.

Part of me wants to tell you off. But then, part of me loves you--yes, I said it--and doesn't want to do that to you. I know you're just doing this partly out of transference/attachment, partly out of compassion, and partly trying to deal with your own issues. I get it--I've been there (well, maybe not quite here...) But I don't know how to deal with you. Because I have my own countertransference going on. Yeah, I admitted it. I'm not even sure which kind. Except the kind that makes me want to hug you and maybe even kiss you while simultaneously telling you to F off and leave me alone. Not sure what kind that is... I don't think it was covered in my Psychology textbooks...

Love(?),
MC