So I am going to a therapist for the first time in my entire life this week...I'm anxious and scared... I finally made this decision as I have come to the realization that seeing my friends and boyfriend succeed makes me feel so worthless.

Every relationship I've been in (serious relationship that is) turns out well and then my partner succeeds and starts costing though life. Wonderful opportunities happen, they excel... And I'm stuck in the back watching it all. Not to mention I've coincidentally end up with men who have well off families and grew up having everything in life anyone could ask for. I on the other hand didn't. I was abused, my parents split, I was emotionally and physically abused as they fought over us kids. My mother tried to commit suicide... All this was my grade school and junior high days. Until I removed myself at the age of 16 and moved out.

The guy I'm with now is a dream. He is absolutely everything I could ask for. Flaws and all. But now that he's switching careers and going back to school where his parents are supporting him, where money is no object due to a family inheritance and I get to watch it all... And I think about how if only i grew up with a complete family, with family I didn't have to run from. With a family that didn't hurt me or abandon me. Who could support me and let me do the typical graduate from high school and go to college. If only i had that I could have been successful. A confident person. But I'm not. And I will never have the time or money to do that. Hell my dad owes me money. At one point he owed me several thousands of dollars and took years to pay me most of it.

I want to stop seeing other people be happy and hating myself for not being able to change my past. Because I hate myself. I feel like a failure. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid to fail at that.

So therapy it is. And maybe medication. I already suffer from anxiety and adhd. I'm on adhd meds now... I'd prefer not to be on anything else. But I can't lose someone because I can't get my **** together. He already knows what triggers me. And he can't do anything about it. It's gotten to the point where I'm constantly paranoid my depression will scare him away. And I'm afraid my paranoia about that will... So if anyone had any advice... Anything to help. I'm willing to take it. I'm so scared of losing him