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Everything you say here makes complete sense! I know it does, but i really feel bad on the guy, especially when he said he was scared to lose me and i told him he wouldn't. I want to do the right thing by everyone and don't want to be selfish.. that's what i feel like i am being... selfish.
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First off you can't be everything for everyone in this world. It is physically (& mentally) impossible.
You OWE getting your life together & giving your son a stable life. THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
When someone says they are scared to lose you & you are afraid of being selfish if you choose to leave....that is a red flag for the possibility of a co-dependent relationship in the development & relationships need to be partnerships, NOT co-dependent relationships where staying together is for unhealthy reasons.
Most times in EVERYONE'S LIVES we end up in situations where we have to make choices where someone will end up hurt. That most times IS THE REALITY of life. We just try to make those decisions in the most tactful way possible but with all honesty in presenting where we are coming from & hope they have the heart to understand.
Distancing yourself while you BOTH get your lives together doesn't mean that he will lose you or you him. If the relationship & emotional connection is strong enough to survive you both focusing on getting stable rather than creating a co-dependent relationship you BOTH will be better off in the long run & SO WILL YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If it doesn't survive for whatever reason then you both will be better off than if you stay together in a dysfunctional relationship which is all that can develop with 2 unstable people tho haven't stabilized their own lives.
It's not easy to stand up for what your gut feel knows isvright for you & your son BUT in reality it's a good way to start developing your OWN STRENGTH which is really the example you son needs to grow up with.
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I just want what everyone else has... why is it so hard to find?
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What you are missing here is that what you think everyone else has, in REALITY isn't anything close to what they have in reality. Most people aren't blessed with good relationships because they don't go into them with care & then they wonder later on why it failed. Paying attention to the issues & red flags up front saves a lot more grief later on. Distancing in a relationship to give each other the needed time to stabilize & determine if it's really the right thing is a lot easier to deal with than years down the road when each have grown to find out what a mistake they really did make allowing the relationship to grow in a very unhealthy way. It's not easy being strong enough to be in control of your life's direction even with your son's life being your concern but growing & developing that strength is a good example to set or your son. If the relationship does come together when you are both healthy....that is another good example for your son to learn from.
Your son needs a stable mom much more than he ever needs to be stuck in another dysfunctional relationship chosen by his mom because she is afraid of being selfish.