first post here and I have to say I really hate this . right now I thinking I am cycling I am all over the map up down sideways .
Here is a little story of what I have done before I realized I screwed up my life.
was diagnosed a few years back been off and on Meds. finally started to get my **** together got my own place ( 54 yrs old now how embarrassing).
tookm the basic security training course got a couple of different jobs one is event security main job at a mall.
was on my meds but since I started to work couldn't afford my meds so I weened my self off and it was horrible but after a few months go free of the meds.
everything was going pretty good my Dad had cancer and was winning . then last Aug he had a turn for the worst won't get into to much details but ended up I had to make some decisions because the rest of the family was to distressed . I pulled through my Dad Died I kissed him on the for head and thanked him. for everything.

months go by job doing good dealing with Druggies theives . met someone at work we connected all seemed well. lots of texting back and forth eaily handle work
Felt really good having the attention ofg a good looking woman, been over 15 years I started to open up . then about a week ago I couldn't sleep went 4 days worked no problems with out a wink of sleep . texted lots with her everything seemed normal then I decided that since I wasn't alloud to have relationships with anyone at the MAll I decided that ( this is without any sleep) I should ask for a transfer also that I should get some sleep made an appointment with doc pryer. told the woman what Iwas going to do ( text at 3 am) at 6 am when my supervisor was starting his shift I called him and told him that I shouldn't come in that day becasue I haven't slept but I also want a transfer. he asks mne if I am sure . I confirm.

9 am I get a call from the HR of the security company that I work for telling me to turn in my uniform and that I have been ( don't remember the exact word t hey used) fired . I argue with them telling them that is not what I asked for. after 20 minutes of this back and forth over the phone. I gave in and said ok I will gbring my uni into the mall right after my doc appointment.

I receive text at around 10am from the woman I was friends with she is totally shocked and wondering WTF I am doing . I tell her not to worry I am falling on my sword everything will be good.
I see my doc tell him that I lost my job ( didn't say when) and that I think I was grieving from my dads death and that I need some sleeping pills.
he prescribes me 5 pills.
I leave go to work to drop off my Uni talk to my super he says that maybe we can work something out like grave yard shift so that I am not around the person . I told him the truth that the person is the head of House keeping and that she is in at all hours but if it was ok to give me a few days.

gives me until Monday( yesterday).
I text the woman she doesn't reply. I go home stay up for a while take one of the pills but it doesn't work for 5 hrs I finally get a little sleep 2-3 hrs. wake up text my friend again no reply.

starting to get lengthy here so I will leave out a pile of things.
after receiving a few separate calls from my super about my texting ( which I was trying to tell my friend sorry and that I am getting help tried to explain what was going on).

my sup[er gave me a number for a psychologist which I see today and well to be honest I doubt will do anything but I am going.
now I am hoping that my doc will give me a doc note saying that I am getting help which could take a while to see my Shrink because of the back logs. I see my doc in a few hours but he isn't a firm believer in Meds so I am thinking I am "F"ed

I have been trying over the past few days to right down what is going on but I have pages and pages of paper that are way to scramble to be logical and like i said I am all over the place tears angry at my self for being so FN stupid and destroying my friendship, Job pretty much everything . I am really hoping that it isn't to late.