************ may trigger*************************************











I am amost speechless... from the experience that I just had... a most amazing experience in my lifetime - speaking for all alters... here..

With the body work specialest that I go to... I went to him monday... and today..

On monday... for the very first time in my life.. ever.. I experienced.. a person giving me comfort..physical comfort.. and me actually being able to receive the comfort.. with no sex invloved.. no sexual overtones invloved.. with tenderness.. and with very loving care..

My system.. now knows "the feeling" of comfort.. physical emotional.. no logical comfort... this was nothing short of a mircle in my life....this moment in time..

how do I decrible comfort in words... it is the warmest... most safest feeling in the whole world..
I can go back to this feeling now.. because I know where it is.. and how it feels..

for a therapist to show me... we found it as a very warm hand.. held on the side of my face... so comforting... my face always so battered and broken by my ex-husband... feeling... this extrodiariy feeling.. comfort..

Today.. I found "me"... I found "me"... I think I want to shout it to the world.. I found "me"..

My body.. never my own.... owned by my Dad.. the pedophile... my ex-husband... conditioned.. to never say "no".. or "get away from me"... to others in my life..

I found "me"... she was there in my heart.. risdeing.. waiting for me to claim her..
The therapist.. put his hand on my stern bone.. the warmth.. going thru my body..

and finally... finally.. I found the words.. "I hate you"... "I hate you"... yes.. I hate you dad.. I hate you pedophile.. I hate you ex-husband..

I found the word "NO" "do not touch me, it is my body"..

and I saw... my "little girl".. and she is beautiful.. very, very beautiful

And I went from seeing and feeling her there..

To I am here... I am beautiful.. I am wonderful.. I matter...

and I was truthfuly re-born... because the tiny child that I was.. never got to be a child.. and the person that I am today..

So.. I say to all... I am beautiful.. I am wonderful..

In that moment.. for that monent in time..
every alter that I have... came together.. and clicked into place.. and formed a sphere.. in my heart..
I could feel it.. I could see it... like a raindrop.. glistening.. I saw my alters.. so very beautiful..

For the first time in my life.. I was a whole person.. not parts... not alters..

the feeling of "wholeness" is indecriable... it is amazing...

of course...the joining was not forever.. it was alters "holding hands" so I might experience... what could be..

and what could be.. is so very wonderful....