I am proud of you that you let it out. I started admitting I had suicidal ideation about a month ago. Something I did that was helpful is I started calling crisis hotlines. I called several different hotlines. I felt I could talk openly to the people on these hotlines. One crisis center even called me back every few days to see how I was doing. It really helped to start expressing myself openly. It is what it is. The people on the hotlines helped me ascertain where I was on the scale. Maybe this could be a next step for you. You know....do you just have thoughts, or is it more severe and urgent? I also started to look for mental health care, as you know. It isn't going that well but just the act of trying to find help makes me feel better. I started a new job while in the midst of having a lot of suicidal ideation. However, I have noted that often I am now less suicidal and more just depressed. So just as it is written all over the internet...this state you are in is not permanent...however, it is your whole being crying out for help and you must, must, must listen to it. I know you also have a daughter. Have you confided in her? How is your husband with this new development? This is your inner soul crying out for help. I am sorry you are having trouble with Medicare. Just keep talking. I hope you will post here again soon. You have helped so many people here. Now it is your time to receive help. Blessings and best wishes, dear friend. So whatever brings momentary relief. Cuddle with your fur babies! PS I also go to bed much earlier and get more sleep because I have to get up early. Try not to day sleep. That's all. Take care of your physical self during this urgent time in your life.