Hey harmfulleh

First off, I'll say that sometimes I fantasize about being dominated too, in a humiliating way even.

I have read something recently, it describes a phenomenon called inverted sadism. It starts with being a compliant type, non-assertive. I was bullied too.
This creates anger and hate towards those that wrong you and suspicion of those you do not know.
But since one is neurotically non assertive these sadistic feelings are not outwardly realized, instead they are turned upon his/herself.
One may seek abusive and humiliating situations unconsciously, and it offers an outlet for their own repressed sadistic energy.
Basically, one is mad but does not feel comfortable in treating others badly, so one seeks to expel this sadistis energy in the only other way, upon him/herself.

I don't know if you do this, or wether it manifests only in your fantasies, but give it some thought and see if it might apply to you. It did to me.