No hi's, no hello's, just freakin insanity!

I am here for a quite while now... Although not much posts... But now I really hit rock bottom! Enter my hell!

I don't know where I should put this topic in, but I relate it to depression mostly. Although it could go in schizophrenia as well, and sexual health...

When I took over 2 months ago two pills of finasteride (Proscar) my system crashed, although I recall being sexually incapacitated when I got fever, chills and was hence hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. After being in hospital 2 weeks I sucked that fu*king 2 pills.

Now... I am completely depressed, apathy, lethargy, loss of interest in "almost" everything (only not in one thing that scares me), sexual health is non existent, like I am not even male anymore (hormone results shown very low testosterone levels and SBHG and high prolactin and many other out of referent range values).

I feel like ****. My sleep is total chaos. I sleep when I feel sleepy. Usually from 6AM to 1PM and from 4PM to 7-8PM and it goes on and on. Never consistent sleep pattern.

What worries me more, since I lost all sexual function (I really mean ALL, like every symptom of sexual dysfunction emphasized in highest possible way) I lost interest in love, in socializing, in activities involving people (since New year I exited house 2 times, once for lab tests hormones and only once for 2 hours with my best friend, and now is 19th of January!!!, I exit my room also rarely). HELL!!! I even lost interest in suicide...

What I gained is interest in GENOCIDE!!! HOMICIDE!!! And yes, I know, that are traits of schizophrenia. But there were no voices telling me to kill anyone. I just started to wish: Ohhh it would be so cool to kill as many as I can and then myself! I know how to obtain assault rifles, guns, carbines without licence. I have immense wish for slaughtering. Without apparent reason. Except, that I lost all other interest. I am infested with genocidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts... I don't know who would I spare? No one is safe. Not even my family. And I am really scared. As I am collecting resources to acquire all sorts of weapons.

I feel so ill. I feel loneliness is part of me and it feeds me. It empowers me! I don't seek for love, since my thoughts of love, my fantasies have vanished completely! Last time I thought about kissing a girl and that it would be nice was 4 damn months ago. I don't recall sexual fantasies at all! I feel also physically ill. I feel like worst **** ever dumped in toilet! I feel that my only goal and purpose to make myself worthy is to kill. Kill as many as I can, as violently as I can.

I sought medical help so many times. I want HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but I think my doctor will NEVER prescribe it to me, as my T levels are IN RANGE!!! IN RANGE OF SENILE, DIABETIC 80 YEAR OLD MAN!!! GOD DAMMIT!!! And prescribing antipsychotics and antidepressants will kick my T-levels into abyss. Instead of curing the root cause of depression and loss of libido, sexual dysfunction, loss of interest with boosting T levels, they will probably prescribe AD or AP and push me into much much greater hell than I am even now! And that will be breaking point. When I will really take my gun and kill people. No gender, no age, no ethnicity will be spared! It's scientifically proven that these DAMN POISONS reduce T-levels! I have NO VOICES telling me ANYTHING!!! I am just freaking psycho!!! I don't even know how it feels to have hallucination! And yet, they treat totally wrong diseases.

I feel no pain. And I am not afraid of police nor army. Cause last bullet is for me. I just want to die... Violently!