Idk whag to do... My first therapy session isn't until tomorrow.

I have this gut feeling that my boyfriend is going to break up with me because of my depression. He's been really nice to me... But it's gotten to the point where I don't know if he's being just nice with me... Or if he really cares for me. I texted him telling him I wasn't sure if I was going to be good for him, because he seems a little more distant since this breakdown. He said he needed time to respond and it's breaking my heart...

Lately my coworkers have noticed how down hill I've gone. People who hardly talk to me are all of a sudden asking if I'm okay... And I telling me I can talk to them. Which has sprouted this thought that maybe my boyfriend and friends are just "trying to be nice" because they feel sorry for me.. Not because they love me.

I mean if these people who don't give a rats *** any other time of the year, all of a sudden offer their shoulder. I know they are just being nice. Like they feel obligated to because I'm so depressed. So what makes me think that the man I love and my "real" friends aren't doing the same....

It's like I can't trust who is pitying me and who means it...

Also... The thought of him no longer being in my life because my depression is debilitating... is making me think of what songs I need to prepare for my funeral... I have been getting like 4 hours a sleep at night, eating once a day. I'm trying to eat and take care of myself... My stomach feels upset like I'm not hungry and food tastes bad... I cried myself to sleep last night...