Hello animatronic: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I have some sense of what you're experiencing. I've never had much of any reliable memory of my life prior to around the age of 8. And I always imagine there must be something back there beyond that point... probably even before the age of 4 or 5 that set me on the path I went down. I'm an older person though. And so, for me, it's all just water over the dam now, as they say. I hope that, in some way, you might be able to get to the bottom of your own mystery.