i feel good about myself for not harming, i just can't understand why i did it before... i mean i guess i have to sympathize with myself and have the understanding that i did it because i was in so much pain but it just leaves scars that are like reminders of something you want to forget... i wish i never done it, cant understand why i did either i should know better

i just feel like parts of me are going dormant, or another part is trying to awaken, its like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue but you cant get the word out!
its like i can feel something happening but i cant make out what it is... besides that i know im changing... i just cant tell in what direction its going, does that make sense?

it will be interesting to say the least... maybe revealing, which is something i need...
but i've felt like this before and it sort of goes away and then i forget about it, or maybe it doesnt go away and i just become less aware and cant tell...

i think im pretty amnesiac for such things... but im used to watching... like usually i dont black out... just not completely aware... i hate it when i black out though because thats usually when anger explodes forward... and for the people that know me in real life its scary because they would all tell you something like "but i have never seen him angry!" i try to stuff that down deep and never let it out because it scares me