I used to think really strange things about my (ex) husband's mistress.

Like wtf would happen if a bus just suddenly knocked her over and she died?

I didn't intentionally wish to cause harm on her via myself.

I think it was just a way for me to work out at all angles what my life would be like if she never existed in the first place.

Those thoughts came and went in the first few months.

I don't think about it much anymore, and hopefully your thoughts, for your own sake, will begin to settle too.