Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I rarely do it because it takes so much out of me not to have a flashback during; so it's mostly just for my fiance when I can. I can say that this experience in my life is a challenge to actually enjoy (I can sometimes but it's not often). Even if I successfully enjoy it, something else like to happen following. I have such overwhelming guilt and a feeling as though I'm dirty and have committed an awful sin (much how I felt after what happened to me). This isn't easy for me to talk about, so I think I'll stop it here.

You are welcome to PM me anytime you want/need to talk about this or anything. I'm sorry you know what this feeling is.