Hello Onward2wards: OMG... I could write a book with regard to all of this! (Actually I'm not sure where I'd even begin though.) But I'll spare you that dubious experience... What I will say is that I'm now 68 years old. And the trauma of my young life still haunts me to this day. I know for a fact I will never escape it. For a variety of reasons, I believe, I somehow never understood the forces that were at work within me. And so, as you wrote, I also just kept gritting my teeth & soldiering on. And, in the process, I destroyed the lives of people who had the right to expect infinitely better from me. My shame knows no boundaries. (Oh, & I've been involuntarily committed twice following just-not-quite-successful suicide attempts.)

Looking back, I wish that somehow I could have been shaken into the realization that I needed to DO SOMETHING to stop the insanity. But if the signals were there, I never recognized them. Perhaps the stress, nightmares & creepy feelings you're currently experiencing are those kinds of signals? I'm not a mental health professional. But, based on my own experience, I will tell you that yes... early crises can leave a person with long-lasting PTSD, existential dread & a negative self image. I have them. I send you my best wishes with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within.