First of all, Hello! I've come to these forums with the purpose of sharing my current experiences, and probably someone who has been trough similar situations can advise me.

Basically, since 2 years ago I have no life. My mental health has taken all of it. I don't even know what kind of conditions I have by now. I know I'm depressed but it also seems I suffer from social anxiety and a ton of things more that I can't quite figure out. My mind is a hell.

It all began in 2015 (I was 17 y.o at the time) when I entered college. At mid-year I started to suffer from social anxiety. In that same year a family conflict arised. I also discovered I don't feel comfortable in the body I am (aka discovered I'm trans). I cried all nights and had such sadness that I'd have sworn I was able to feel physical pain in my chest.

2016 wasn't any better. I started another career at uni but only attended a month. Since then I've done nothing other than in September getting a part-time job that I quit a bit more than a month later because I felt overwhelmed by people at work. I've signed up myself on a martial arts class twice a week and even for that I often don't have motivation.

I live alone (which I actually enjoy) I have no friends, I don't do anything except being on the internet all time. I sleep so much that i often get migraines. I haven't been home since last year bc I can't stand my father, he's a violent person. He doesn't hit me now but he did often when i was a kid. I don't know when it was the last time he hit my mother, probably 1 or 2 yrs ago. Since I have a conscience I remember hearing my mom's desperate screams when she was getting beaten up by my father.
He's a closed minded person and won't let people do anything he doesn't approve of.

Currently I'm not as sad as i was before, I'm indifferent to most things. I have no passions. It's hard for me to focus and remember stuff. This is what worries me the most since I don't know what will I do (academically) with my life.

It hurts me so much just seeing people having a normal life, studying, working. Just having a life. Doing things daily. Having a life seems like a luxury to me. It hurts so much because I'm not able to do stuff as simple as that. Something always comes in the way. I want to. But at the time I get overwhelmed, stressed, I hate myself even more than before. And I stop doing whatever makes me feel that way, in fear that it'll get worse, and then it'll be irreparable.

At the beginning of this year I've started to get suicidal thoughts. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to wake up dead from my sleep. Or have an accident. I feel like there's not a reason why I should be here. I'm not good at anything. It's a living hell being in this mind state.

That was a summary of what I've been through mentally wise. If it sounds cold or like it's not a big deal, believe me it isn't so. I've suffered so much that I wouldn't be able to write it all in one post.

This is my life nowadays. I need help. I want help. I want to change but something always stops me. I'm young, I'm 19 years old and I have done nothing with my life. I don't want to waste it like this. Thanks to everyone in advance.