Do you have a therapist you are working with? I have never much been keen on them myself, but I fully understand that they can be a great help to people. It might be helpful to try that if you are not already. I also second the communication idea.

I relate to coming around and having to play damage control. It's kinda been my thing, historically. Some others in my system have not always 'played nice', from being snarky and awful, to self harm/sui attempts, to requiring police intervention... yeah. Not fun. The thing that seemed to work best for me and mine was communication and recognition. There is one protector type I think on and she wanted validation... credit where credit was due. It was very important to her and she felt very slighted and offended that everyone seemed to focus on her 'wild streak' and not on all she took on while she was out and about. Once a lot of us got on board with recognizing and crediting her with all she did for us, and she did a lot of good, she was more willing to listen and make accommodations and adjust her behavior accordingly. She ended up being a great asset for many years in helping to keep us safe and stable in healthy ways. She's a seriously cool cat.

Others in my system have been more difficult and the best we have been able to manage with them is trying to find someone who has decent co con with them and have them 'play babysitter' and hopefully be able to 'shove' the problematic one aside when things start to go downhill. We tried an internal lock up at one point in time, but that did not end well for me or anyone else in my system... personally, I do not recommend that. Anyway, we generally do the babysitter type things when trying to figure out why the problem one is being so problematic. For us, most of them really do just want to be heard/understood.

Veda