Thankyou guys it really helps to hear some compassion and gentleness, it's been so long since I experienced that, it actually makes me cry.
I'm currently trying to get my things together to leave, I need to try and organise it via my family, I'm trying to get past the fatigue of knowing I have to start all over again when I return, and trying to do it with as little trouble as possible which is not easy, he has told me repeatedly in his own words that he will literally 'abuse me until I am out the door if I leave' that he will chase me down the street creaming Borderline at me, he really goes all out anytime I have tried to leave before until I am so broken and exhausted I end up just sitting in my room numb, then he'll slowly show a little gentleness and start telling me that it's ok, I just had an episode and that I need to accept that I'm unwell etc etc.