By harsh expression, I mean, harsh expression. My congenital hypothyroidism and pseudohermaphroditism make my voice harsh and generally I don't look like a typical woman or girl. My posture and movements are bit stiff.

Recently I felt pretty numb and depressed, partially from constantly changing shifts and typical jet lag that make it harder for me to control my hypothyroidism, partially because social interaction is not just a task I can quickly overcome and I'm a purely a short task-managing person.

My parents have been fighting much more than usual last days and it made me think how hard it is to manage human relationships while being a certain type of person. I see it with my grandfather and I see it with my father. He is less autistic than my grandfather, but still is completely obsessive-compulsive when it comes to personality. He shows no emotions except for anger and that's something we kind of share. For example, when his mother and my grandmother died around two months ago, his behaviour and attitude hadn't changed for a bit. No sadness, no anything. Joked as usually. It was only during a funeral when he cried a bit and it was because other people were too. And I was like that too, then. He is very controlling and in need of constant 100% certainty of everything. He does not accept errors or that things and people are not black or white (that's why he criticizes them constantly and calls them names, because he doesn't realize that he's way is not the only way). Diagnosed with depression and social phobia when young. He doesn't understand the concept of privacy (he seen no problem with me living with them in one room until I was 14 or 15) or boundaries and feels it's okay to be verbally aggressive when something is done not the way he would do it. When I'm home, for a day off, for example, he would follow me big part of the time to check if I put the glass the right way on a table, put something away, boiled the water enough, didn't pull too much water pressure in the sink, etc. He is blunt, doesn't see a problem with saying he only married my mother because he felt obligated too because I happened and he wanted another kind of life. Doesn't take responsibility easily. There are huge fights over managing money. My mother, on the other hand, is zero logical, purely emotional, quite immature person with submissive attitude. Still, I communicate much better with my father than with her.

When it comes to work, I had a plan for managing social interactions, but it doesn't work well.

The plan was pretty basic and simple:

* Saying "hi" to people in order to make them feel you acnowledge their presence.
* Reaching for the right people who are actually able to do something in a particular situation in order to avoid unnecessary gossiping and criticism.
* Asking interesting, yet not too prive or intrusive, questions instead of usual small talk stuff.
* Keeping physical distance, touching people only when permitted.

With saying "hi", I'm fine when it comes to certain people. But, I mentioned the boy who was incredibly interesting, beautiful and appealing to me. He used to come by and talk to me a lot, even though I've seen that sometimes things I say or do are bit confusing. Now he stopped, but it's also my fault. Whenever I feel like saying "hello", I just freeze and can't do it, so I just look very ignorant. Still he catches my eye when he walks around a lot, but I try to avoid staring as much as possible. I'm too afraid I will get rejected for my way of being and behaving. My behaviour now, I'm sure, seems even more unnatural. I feel I got to let go people who I find interesting, because I never managed to go on with relationship (not in a romantic way, just in general) anyway. I'm sending the "I'M SO WEIRD DON'T APPROACH ME PLEASE" signal, whether I want it or not.

The small talk is always terrible and there is a lot of it, because we often don't have the work to do, so we just gather in groups. I mean, after a few minutes I get so bored I basically drift away with my thoughts, like I always do when something is uninteresting. I don't even have anything to ask other people.

I'm fine with the physical distance, but there's a problem on the other side. So, I have this female co-worker who I started working close by and so she labeled me as "her person" and her fav co-worker. She already invited me for her wedding along with other co-workers, I offered to take the photos. And she's the kind of person I always seem to appeal, who need someone permissive and indulgent and are pretty critical and talk in monologues. And she can be pretty exhausting at times and I think I need to talk to more people than just one. But nevermind, the thing is she is also a touchy-feely type and constantly catches people from behind, hugs them, takes their hand, including me and other co-workers. And I know I will soon get exhausted. She lately made a comment on me being weird and also, it's hard to describe, cause I just said something and she said something and the word she said she used for a word-play and made this very aggressive-sounding joke on sexuality and homosexual tendencies and it just pushed me off so much, but no point in analyzing it. I wonder why I always end up getting along with people who don't interest me but are available, but not with the ones who I wish to interact with.