Almost flipped out in a barber shop a lil bit ago. I hate people touching my head. It sets me off in not so great ways. Had issues going into it. Figured a barber shop would be better since it's generally guys working in those places and the idea of some female I don't know touching my head and trying to chat me up and style my hair... no. Just no. Figured barber shop would be better since it would be quieter than some family type place. Can't handle sensory overload on top of the childhood issue crap. Seemed like a good plan. Hell, maybe it was a good plan. I still fell apart, started shutting down. Not sure how I got in the parking lot, but I walked out of the place. On the plus side, I did not have a full blown outburst in there. Could have been worse. I also did not put my head through a wall or attack anyone, so that's a bonus. I guess.

I hate it that my life is a series of events followed by me going, hey, at least no one got hurt. This is my positive outlook... no one getting hurt. Gr.

I hate that I can't do basic people things because of crap people did to me when I was a kid. I hate that this crap lives on and on and plays out in ways that make me wonder why I leave my couch because things are great until I leave the couch. I hate that I'm dumb enough to leave the couch in the first place because I think for some idiotic reason that I can try and succeed at doing basic people crap when I am so far from human it's ridiculous. I don't know what I am but it's not people. I hate that a haircut I did not get sets off the screaming in my head and knocks me half back in time... not far enough to lose touch with reality, but just enough to know I am here and I am seriously jacked and so far from the human race that it will take the light from screwed up ten billion years to reach me.

When I tried to go hide and decompress, pull some coping tips and tricks out of my mental goodie bag, the internal screaming just got louder and louder. That negative chatter got louder and louder... that self hate snowball got bigger and bigger. I don't want to ride this out. I want to tranq myself out. I have no tranquilizers. I have no choice but to ride it out. What we want and what we get... right... gr.

Haircuts. This is what happens when I try to get a haircut. Note to self... do not try to be a thing that maintains hair. You suck at maintaining hair. That was overreaching. Bad Veda. No hair. FML. Hoped writing would help. Soo not helping. Try something else, kiddo...