No ******it! I just think I can kill! Well... I can... But I won't! Ohhhh I don't know! Suicide is much better and cheaper option than homicide. I basically could order it in one week from now. I mean, the means for suicide. But it is really crappy and lame thing! Just me, alone... Even without partner to do with... The worst part is moments before losing consciousness. It's... It's... Like worst feeling anybody can feel. My weeping would alarm really anybody in circle of 2 miles! I have to do it in warmer months... And in much solitary place. Woods I think best... Yeah... Woods! No, no, I cannot hurt somebody. I don't want to. But I want to... They hurt me... But I can't... I can't act like God. No... I want to hurt myself. Nobody is guilty for who I am ! It's my fault! IDK... Ohhh how horrible I feel. I would blast the planet earth with nukes... But it's in fact just a fantasy. It's not even possible in movies. I'd do noting killing someone who in fact... DIDN'T DO ******* THING AGAINST ME!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo down...

Violent thoughts... Yeah, after being hospitalized. In fact, my sex health is obliterated to zero point. Same thing like nuking some city... Nothing left. It's so embarrassing to talk about it... But completely impotent and completely lost thoughts about women. Fantasies. Then started violent thoughts. To fill the empty part where, once, I thought about women. What THE F have I done? What is the cause of that? I mean, I feel like worst crap ever lived, but man... That my whole system is backfiring?

I can go to another doctor, but I am sure I can persuade my current doc for HRT. But it's well, a quarrel to be. And I am not quite sure how effective it is, considering I consumed this damned finasteride! But I felt like crap month before even taking it as I recall. I started to have some sexual problems. But now it's obliteration. Like I am not a man anymore. Nothing works! I will go for suicide... Can't live in each day more horrible then last one.

Sorry... I speak to much. I am totally crashed. I won't kill, except myself.