I wish I could just skip the holidays. I hated as a child being home from school. I don't have good memories of Thanksgiving. Our family wasn't about giving thanks and love. It was about hurt. My entire life was about trying to please my parents. Trying to get them to like me. I was never able to suceed. They are gone now.

My brother and his wife live in my childhood home. They have invited me over for Thanksgiving. I can't go. That's where my abuse was. I get shaky thinking about it. They don't know I'm dealing with this in therapy. My brother was a momma's boy 6 years older than me. My sister in law is an alcoholic. I'm in recovery. She won't even not drink when I'm there. The alcohol is more important. They don't understand me at all.

I've always done what others wanted me to do. If I don't go to family's house then they will say I'm ditching the family. I do love my family, but I can't go to that house. I can't tell them why I can't go to that house because what happened to me did not happen to my brother and he may not believe it and I don't want to argue with them and my family loves to argue. That's what we were taught.

If I stay home alone, I will be depressed because I never had a loving family. Nobody to show me how to love or be loved.

I'm thinking of going to a girlfriend's house who will accept me the way I am. She will not drink around me. She will make me feel good.

I've never done what I've wanted to do, what will make me comfortable.

So many changes. It's like an entire different life.