I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately to figure out what I want and where I'm going with life, and then to get there as fast as possible. My undergraduate experience has been tumultuous, and I'm finally about to graduate. I know that I want a Master's degree, and I want one in a different field from my undergraduate field. I've always wanted to do Computer Science, but never told anyone because I didn't feel I was "smart" enough. After a lot of thinking and a big meltdown earlier this week, I finally decided to just go for it--because I'm always going to wonder what could have happened. This means 6 months to a year of pre-requisites before even applying to the master's. I'm probably going to have to start paying off my undergraduate loans, something I was trying to avoid by staying in school. But I can do it.

I've started taking classes through coursera to just advance my knowledge and help me prepare. I was feeling really inspired and excited.

Then today, I started getting emails in response from some of my past professors that I had requested letters of recommendation from. They're all the same: "We don't provide letters of rec for online students." Wait, what? I take online classes through my university because I work 60 hours/ week and a conventional schedule just doesn't work for me. I also have a lot of social anxiety and classrooms severely stress me out.

I'm a good student. I work hard. The classes I requested letters from were all professors who left extensive comments praising my papers and discussion posts..teachers I felt knew me and liked my point of view and my effort.

Now I just feel sad. I feel like I'm not cut out to succeed. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm really frustrated with everything.