He is emotionally cheating on you and emotionally abusing you hardcore and that is what is causing your depression. There's no reason he cannot cuddle you at night. Too tired my butt. That is emotional abuse. As for seeing the other members of his dept as family and choosing them over you…emotionally cheating.

He's ****ing with you, causing your depression and then shifting blame back onto you to destabilize you further.

It's quite effective it seems and it's very telling how he is willing to use control/power/intimidation/invalidation when you said you wanted to leave him.

He's an abuser and you've been so long under his spell…you believe you are the problem. Therefore he has total control. He's probably incapable of true intimacy and is unable to love you as your equal. Some people's definition of love is distorted.

I wonder if he is getting his needs met elsewhere since he is gone so much and is so vacant when he is home.

"The responsibility to the job is the answer for missing anniversaries and holidays and dates."

Nah. That's him being abusive and making you feel like you're nothing. Intentional.