Thank you for sharing your experience, PandorasAquarium. I really do see where you're coming from and it is an oh-so-important angle. There have been moments of the type of mixed-message dissonance you've described in our relationship too, some probably are still lurking due to neither of us speaking up.

I think there are definitely a few differences in our experiences too. For instance, my relationship has never had emotional intimacy. Both my partner and I have historically been the logic/reasoning/facts type, similar to your husband. I think Bill3 brings up a very important feature of family of origin-- this describes my relationship EXACTLY.

Despite that we were both comfortable with avoidance from the start, I have come to realize that this way of relating does not serve me and it does not allow me to be an authentic person. So my needs for emotional intimacy have definitely evolved. I was fearful of sharing this change for a while because of our default mode of relating, but eventually the everyday pain outgrew the instantaneous pain it took to open up to my partner. The trouble is that he says he wants to engage emotionally but given a lot of time and support he has not acted on it. Even in baby steps (as broken down by the therapist or by simply initiating any conversation that is not practical or work-related). This hurts me because he is aware this is important to me but still does not try-- whether is incapable or disinterested, I don't know. I have told him this too, which commonly is met with the, "I don't know how to try." So then we come up with a couple of ideas, and I am still caught by surprise when they don't materialize.

Since I am the sole person bringing up feelings and my desire for emotional communication, I am the one who tends to stop trying because I am typically met with defensiveness. I use "I" statements, I ask open-ended questions, I do not raise my voice or condescend, and I am constantly voicing my deficiencies and areas that I want to improve; I openly admit that I might misunderstand and ask to be corrected. When he gets defensive I apologize and try to soften the conversation by saying I understand why he might feel whatever way, but my goal was just to understand him better and/or model what I would like him to do for me.

For example, I have absolutely no idea what his expectations for a relationship are. Hell, I probably don't even know mine. But when I asked him if there were any relationships he wanted to model his romantic relationship after when he was growing up (like his parents or his grandparents or some couple from a TV show/movie, etc) or even relationships that he saw as happy in recent years, he tried to deflect the conversation, asking something like "people talk about stuff like this!?" So I calmly described that it was important to me because I can't mind read and that if we have different relational ideals I would want us to communicate them so that we can strive to work towards the ideals or a combination of our ideals together. Then when he seemed more receptive because he knew I was not attacking him, I asked about two specific relationships and about why he thought they were something he would want or not. After answering those questions as simply as possible he tuned out. I was just barely able to talk about the "whys" so I could understand his point of view. He didn't ask me about my ideals and we never got to point of comparison, and we definitely did not talk about how either of us could improve in our relationship.

I'm not sure if that helps illustrate a conversation that takes me weeks to muster up the courage for, that in any other context (with friends, family, even his family) would be met with curiosity and interest in participating. I guess he did tolerate answering part of the question eventually. But the initial disconnect/deflection/defensiveness every time derails any real progress, and I suppose this is the "disconnect" I would like to do away with. I am looking for growth and he is looking to maintain. I would like to establish a shared reality where we can just talk about feelings or concepts and be curious about one another without feeling judged or defensive.

I am aware that some people just do not do that type of communication... but maybe there is a better way to facilitate it from someone who claims they would "do anything" to keep our relationship??

Sorry for the novel-- and thanks again for your perspective.