The extreme cycling is getting harder to keep up with. Maybe it's signs of mixed mania, or it's more like rapid cycling.



I'm still having these long, intrusive thoughts and fantasies. Some of them are very dark and of a self-destructive nature. The tears keep flowing. I've also been fighting feelings of loss. It was the first anniversary of my best friend's death two days ago, but I've stuffed those feelings down. I've been reflecting on this year of manias and depressions, plus life changes, without really catching much of a break. I feel energy, but it's euphoria to dysphoria, irritability, and sadness all within a short period of time. I use distractions, but nothing takes the pain away.

My mind is elsewhere and I want to be able to have more control over my thoughts. I am also more impulsive again. I see my pdoc tomorrow and my therapist. I keep wanting to keep things to myself, but I know I can't anymore. I know something is way off, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel hypomania and depression, plus had a mixed manic episode a month back up until 2 weeks ago, then felt slightly better, but I think it's back worse. Since the mania, I was recommended 600 mg Seroquel, but I refused to go up that high all at once since side effects scare me when it comes to weight gain. Maybe that's why I am still experiencing problems, and it's my fault I didn't taper up as quickly as she wanted me to. Sorry this is a long post. Just getting it out.