I am at the same place I was last October, when I wrote in my diary "Sobbing at 2am. Dreams are dead. No point in living." The dreams I talked about then are the same ones now... The same ones I had three, four years ago.

I've been unable to pursue these dreams of a career, because of my extreme self hatred, doubt, and fear. And depression.

Right now, on the outside, one could say my life is good. I have a job as a teacher, I am in a play, my family is supportive.

But just a week ago I hurt myself, ended up in the hospital... it was minor enough that I was back at work a day later, but I feel as though little has changed. My family was frantic, and is more conscious of me... but my world has not changed. Not entirely, anyway... One less tether tying me to the world.

I am completely selfish, and spoiled, and undeserving of this life. Yet, I cannot help but feel that I ought to have done better with what I was given. I have done nothing of relative worth in my life. I saw a video of myself in the play that I'm in... and I am not worth seeing.

I have had 25 years to make myself good at something. Anything. I've failed at that. I am utterly mediocre in every way. Less than that.

I could live with not having friends, if only I was good at something. I could live with critique and disgust, with being as ugly and undesirable as I am... I could even live with the depressing state of the world if I knew that I could contribute one beautiful thing to it. This is impossible...and therefore I desire nothing more than to disappear.

I will end this with a caveat: I am seeing various professionals to help me with these matters... However, it would be good to hear from regular people. I have no interest in religion or having babies... what I need is some soul purpose that might help me to live. Because what's the point of laboring on and on for nothing but money? There is no point. I need a way to actually live.