I spent a month calling crisis hotlines and talking to people about these issues. Some people on hotlines just want to help you through the immediate crisis...but others actually take the time to discuss these things you have brought up here.

I think when you can problem solve a little bit and find even a small amount of relief you may want to take suicidal ideation off the table. That's what I did. Now I have to find other options because I have removed that option.

You will never find the answers to some of your questions because they are metaphysical questions. But the asking of them is important for you now.

What hotlines did I use? Honestly, I just went online and called one after another that was listed until I found a few I preferred. I also called a local crisis center once or twice a week.

I hate to confess this but I did study and research about a lot of famous people who committed suicide. I found out that individual motivations are different.

But mostly it is about escaping pain. What else?

If you can start to focus your attention on how you can relieve your pain you may find you care less about suicidal Ideation or suicidal thoughts.

The crisis hotline people gave me immediate coping skills to practice. In this way I found that I could actually manage suicidal ideation. I even started a new job while having a lot of suicidal ideation.

I finally took it completely off the table...as of yesterday! So...24 hours of not having to think about it. I feel such relief. Suicidal thoughts are scary and depressing. At first it took some effort but not so much now. Remember, also, I spent a month talking to many, many counselors and volunteers on crisis hotlines.

I hope this helps, dear one. No one could possibly understand how painful your situation is without having been there.

Your statement that maybe we are just hurting and need the pain to stop...is the core message.

If others knew the depths of our pain they would try to help. Why don't they help?

Because it takes experience and special skills to deal with all the complexities of suicidal ideation. It was a relief to talk to crisis hotline people because one can talk openly and honestly.